Can you trust the timing?

I believe when you’re in the trenches of change, it is easy to forget & lose sight of, putting it simply, how you got here / who you were “before”

I woke up this morning VERY uninspired to ‘work’ – this word I am constantly defining for myself

In the past I would have ignored that nudge and sat down and answered my emails responded to clients did all the things

not defining serving in this way as WORK, and why? of course, this is work this is the MOST IMPORTANT WORK THERE IS

and today and many days lately, I followed the nudge – leading me here on paper with words to share for you angels

I have been in the TRENCHES for two years, which conceptually two years is a long time, but honest to god its felt like an eye blink

January of 2020 I cancelled my visa that was leading me to permanent residency in Australia, where my home had been for the previous two years and where I thought my home was going to be “forever”

I burnt every single part of my life to the ground, with literally one suitcase of stuff THATS IT THATS ALL I HAD, I moved in with my mom, literally I moved into her bed and shared that bed with her for 4 months

I ended my long standing relationship after spending a month in Brazil meeting his family, a family that was going to become mine

I had all my stuff shipped home from Australia, and I settled my life back in York Pennsylvania with my mom

The last time I had lived with her, I was 18 and she was a raging alcoholic

This was the first time since 18 and since she got sober we had spent more than a month together

I really had no friends

or direction

or idea of what the f I was doing

The only ‘stable’ thing was my marketing agency where I had 5 clients and money coming in and some SAFETY of ‘normal’

then I lost all my clients

2020 rocked me to the core

I was at the bottom of a well, deep in the depths of rock bottom

the girl who ‘had it all figured out’

didnt need any help

was fiercly independant

controlled everything

looked BOMB AS F*CK on paper

was brought to her knees, the only way up was with palms up in surrender

through guide post, angels on this earth, and really surrendering to guidance I dove head first in healing work

and to be clear here, I had NO idea what ‘guide post or angels of earth or what it meant to surrender to something that wasnt me’.. but what the hell did I have to lose? clearly my way wasnt working, so I stumbled and fumbled through finding what that meant to me, two years later I still am in ways

Through 2020, I dug out the roots and weeds and rocks of my soil, with my bare heads – it was painful and exhausting and uncomfortable

and so so so needed

I started noticing my patterns, while living them out again and again

I started making friends, while clinging & suffocating them again and again

I had lots of love affairs and a couple relationships, being the same outcome again and again (not being chosen)

I clung to “what is my purpose on this planet”

It was full of a lot of growth and a lot of flailing, grabbing, and still not entirely trusting I wasn’t in control

super neurotic control freak reporting for duty hi hello

I was desperate to begin doing the professional work I was destined to do – cause thats all I had for identity from the ripe age of 14

Not realizing I had SO MUCH work to do to be able to step into that destiny – the real work, the HEALING WORK

In December of 2020 I hired my first business coach, I spent $10k and was CERTAIN THIS WAS IT


In the ways I had expected it to “save me” to figure it out for me to be the answer, it was such a ‘failure’ to those expectations

At this point we’ve reached 2021, what a rollercoaster it was to make it to 2021

I was still as lost as ever, still flailing through my ‘purpose’ launching a group program, hiring a web designer to create me website after website, hiring a copywriting to write me copy then different copy

not realizing what my ACTUAL purpose was –

to HEAL the deeeeeeeeeep patterns I was stuck in to prepare myself for what was to come, so I could even HOLD any of it

I needed so desperately to STOP DOING and start BEING

for one year, consciously and subconsciously I sat in that fear loop and did EVERYTHING in my power to FIGURE IT OUT

“I will not ever figure out how to serve in the way I am meant to”

“I will not ever figure out what my purpose is”

“I will never step into the greatness I am meant for, and will spend my whole life searching for it”

the later part of 2021, after hitting rock bottom again and again and again and AGAIN my sisters sat me down metaphorically and said “you need to chill” “you need to stop trying to figure it out” “you need to GO HAVE FUN with no other attachment” “enough is enough”

and I ignored them for a bit (cause even though I had healed some, I still knew it all bbs hehe)

until I FINALLY had enough of my own shit and threw my hands up AGAIN, brought AGAIN to my knees in surrender

the later part of 2021 shifted me tremendously

I was so sick of myself, and the never ending living out of my patterns to not trusting and surrendering

all the weeds I had pulled, the seeds I had planted, all the patterns I had learned, all the ways I clung and flailed and sabotaged the previous year and a half I was able to look at and start saying “not today baby” and begin to slowly shift

the shifts my babies, thats what you are working towards here THE SHIFTS

it took me nearly TWO YEARS to arrive at the shifts, and in that, I have LEARNED GROWN HEALED HAD SO MUCH FREAKING FUN REALLY HAD SUCH AN EPIC LIFE, and thats the POINT OF IT ALL

I needed all of what 2020 & the first half of 2021 was to REALLY feel satisfied, trusting, believing, and HAPPY with this reality that I have found ‘IT’

my purpose, my gift, my uniqueness, the way in which I am meant to serve – for now anyway, cause things shift and I am so here for that

today, as I journaled and reflected I realized from December 2020 until TODAY present day December 9th 2021 I had been writing the same fear and today, one year later, it finally shifted

“I will never be able to scale”

no longer “I will never find what it is” but rather I HAVE FOUND IT, and now the fear just shifts to “I will never be able to scale”

fear will ALWAYS be there, your thoughts will ALWAYS be there – that stuff doesn’t magically go away

you just have evidence of how the fears are simply FEARS, and not the driver of the car if you so shall choose them not to be

my goddess oracle card for 2021 was TIME – “consider that everything you intend and desire also has its own relationship with time, and all will come to you in perfect form and in the perfect moment. Patience, dedication, and quiet anticipation are delicate yet potent allies right now. Trust your timing is perfect”

and while when I pulled that card January of 2021, it meant really nothing to me, I didnt understand what was in store for me, nor was I super pumped for “trust the timing” clicheness BIG EYE ROLL

I could have NEVER predicted that I’d have a six month relationship that would end in him leaving me (once again not being chosen) but would actually serve the purpose of his family loving me in after the breakup in ways that healed 27 years of familial trauma

I could have NEVER predicted that I’d get into a polyamory relationship that would lead to absolute chaos & crippling anxiety that would leave me crawling to support in desperation to finally heal a very wounded part of myself that would allow me to serve in an even greater way

I could have NEVER predicted that the man I spent two years in Australia with would heal his wounds in such a tremendous way and become one of my best friends and help me to heal SO MANY WOUNDS from that time together

I could have NEVER predicted that I’d have more friends than I could actually handle that would love me through it all this year, would send me flowers, would drop me gifts, would pay for my birthday party, would love me so unconditionally it would heal a lifetime of not being chosen and sisterhood wounds

I couldn’t step in my ‘purpose’ without ALL OF THIS

And look, if you’re in the trenches right now and you’re like COOL KELSIE BUT I STILL WANT THE THINGS RIGHT NOW I’VE BEEN PATIENT AND IT’S TIME (relationship, career, money, friends, house, baby, etc) I HEAR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU FOR REEEALLLLLLLLLLLLL

but idk, if you take nothing from this VERY LONG POST it’s that stupid cliche line of “its actually the journey that matters” and god does it make me want to puke even writing that but ITS FOR REAL

Sure I want the $10k month right now, I want the loft apartment, I want my debt to be paid off, I want my 6 month trip around the world, etc etc etc. and that will COME WHEN ITS TIME TO COME END OF STORY THOUGHT LOOP CLOSED THANK YOU COME AGAIN KELSIE

okay, I am done now 🙂 thanks for COMING thanks for reading thanks for being with me and MAKE IT FUN AND STOP TAKING IT ALL SO SERIOUSLY k?

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