the sweet taste of sisterhood

this orginally began an instagram post, but as it got longer & longer & longer it became abundantly clear it needed an entire post to itself 😉

most of you who have followed me for the last year & a half have seen my sisterhood community grow bigger and bigger // closer and closer

however, it wasn’t that long ago that I moved through this world more often alone without a true feeling of a “side kick” a support a ride or die a sister.. and then once I got the taste of sweet sweet sisterhood I quickly moved into having an unbearable grip on my friendships

when I found community in May of last year, I CLUNG

if they didn’t lean on me when they were hurting, if they didnt invite me to gatherings, if they didnt reshare a photo I tagged them in, if they didnt make an effort to talk to me/check in on me weekly I would spiral in “HOW CAN I SHOW UP EVEN MORE SO THEY KNOW I AM THE FRIEND THEY WANT TO ALWAYS HAVE AROUND AND BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM”

this exact experience happened with one of my most cherished friends in December of last year, I felt our friendship “distancing” when in reality we were just ebbing and flowing as is normal in relationships, however, I CLUNG to her, “did I do something?” “Why didnt you let me support you when things were tough?” “Why did other friends get to come over and see you but I didnt” etc etc etc.

we sat down on my birthday, and I was SURE she was “breaking up with me” (cue abandonment wound) and instead we held hands across the table, cried together, and she expressed how much she loved me AND how hard it was to experience my “neediness” and to experience my pattern of needing “prove myself worthy” 

it was one of the most transformative conversations I’ve ever sat through, and one of the hardest

I spent some time feeling through all the emotions that came with it – the tantrum of my ego, in the embarrassment, the “how did I get it so wrong” shame spiral before moving radically to DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT

really looking at my mindset around friendship // getting honest about these deep patterns // my not good enough wound

that if a sister didnt need me to support her through ALL OF IT then that meant I hadn’t done enough to prove myself worthy to be that support for her

that if a sister didnt reach out to check on me it was because I wasn’t doing enough to be worthy of that type of love/support

that if a sister didnt invite me to something, it was because I wasn’t enough (cool enough, fun enough, relaxed enough etcccccc)

that if I wanted close sisterhood, I had to put in all the work – go visit, be the one to always check in, etc

so many stories I wrote in my head – very similar stories I wrote BEFORE I found community also – “I cant find friends cause I am not cool enough/good enough” then when I did find them “I can’t have the friendship I want with them because I am not cool enough/good enough”

you’ll notice when you start doing the work my loves that the narratives don’t really change, no matter the experience – YOU change

from that conversation, and a few other ones I had around that same time with a couple of my other sisters who were FEELING my neediness deeply I got really real with my need to DO something about this

this absolutely wasn’t the woman I wanted to be

the friend I wanted to be

a common theme you’ll see if you’ve been here with me is

THE IMPORTANCE OF DOING THE GOD DAMN WORK

no one is coming to save you

your patterns aren’t just going to disappear

if you don’t like an aspect of yourself, and KNOW you can be better

then you pull yourself up by your boot straps and you get to doing something about it

you take personal responsibility you get curious of why your friendships/life/relationships look the way it does

I started getting radically honest about the parts of me I needed to heal & clean up

I got really real in therapy, I got really real in my coaching programs

I got really real when I was feeling reactive and checked myself

I started speaking up instead of holding resentments

I started EMBODYING the type of friend/woman I wanted to have

I started checking in regularly on my sisters

I started supporting them

I started saying the real things

I let friendships I had clung onto out of desperation of “being alone” fall away

I made an effort every single day to connect with and love my sisters

I did my ego work

I CHOOSE myself, I helped myself learn HOW ENOUGH I am

I got really clear on WHO I wanted as friends, who I WAS PICKING

& after eight months of putting one step in front of another

in being diligent and DEDICATED to healing my side of the street and unpacking my baggage

I have the most profound sisterhood on this fucking planet, like NO joke

I received an email this week from one of my sisters, one that I dont talk to everyday sometimes even for a week at a time (something in the past that would have been wildly triggering for me and would have CLEARLY meant we werent that close, she didnt care enough about me, etc etc blah blah blah)

an email that brought me to absolute tears (a hard thing to happen for me)

disclosing her admiration for me, handing me the most admirable title as her best friend & most trusted ally

recognizing me

choosing me

and truly being huge validation of what doing the work LOOKS LIKEEEEEEEEE

I hope you’ll choose to start taking self inventory of the baggage you bring to the table

I hope you’ll choose to start looking deeply at your patterns

I hope you’ll choose to start getting supported by a therapist by a coach

I hope you’ll allow yourself to step VULNERABLY and DEEPLY into the person you truly desire to be

I hope you’ll truly learn that you are MORE than enough, beyond COOL, beyond FUN, beyond UNIQUE, and to love you would be a gift

I hope you’ll walk with me to all the magic that is waiting for you, for me, for us

I believe in you x

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