the magic in rock bottom

the irony in this post following my last post titled “you get to have it all” focused around how I cultivated the amazing partnership I had found myself in gives me an immense wave of grief, peace, and a chuckle TBH


as I pulled out of the parking lot of therapy Thursday morning I felt the immediate pull to start the drive to ocean city

spending basically the entire 24 hours prior in that type of sadness that makes you feel like muscles in your heart are physically tearing

I knew there was no where else more suited to grieve and process the ending of my partnership than my bone yard of baggage aka Ocean City

I’ve never truly been intentional on fully feeling the waves of a heartbreak or a great loss ~ always moved through it by disassociating / logically bypassing / distracting myself with unhealthy coping patterns / rebounding / big onto the next energy

however, the more and more I commit to living life as the highest version of myself possible and radically choosing the path of healing/growth I knew there was no option other than to intentionally go within and reveal ALL the muck that there was to grieve

“The willingness to show up changes us, It makes us a little braver each time.”

this weekend I did more hours of journaling than maybe ever in my life ~ processing every moment

the good, the beautiful, the fun, the hard, all the ways I didn’t show up best, the ways it wasn’t quite it

I laid it alllllllllll out, I got brutally honest with myself, I cracked open my heart again and again the deeper I went, and found IMMENSE peace through every revelation

I worked to celebrate myself every step of the way for the small glimpses of growth I witnessed, for my grace, for my strength, for my ability to see my part in it ending and not spiral in shame

angels, the more you literally scoop up the muck and take it out to the trash, the more you allow room for magnetism, up leveling, immense peace, and ultimately your next chapter that is even closer to your most aligned path

you always give yourself the oppurtinity to STOP living out the same patterns again and again and agggggaaaaiiiiinnnnnnn

the magic/shifts/ease that take place when you start getting really fucking radical with your DUTY to heal / do the work is something I can’t quite put into words, but I will forever do my best to try

I want to share what a bit of the rest of the weekend of healing looked like, so you too can get a glimpse of the magic that is waiting for you should you choose to step into the arena

I’m in the thick of this program called “to be magnetic” – currently working through the “up level rock bottom” section which is aligned perfectly with this season of my life

Friday afternoon I did this meditative practice that dropped me into hypnosis and allowed me to see my biggest block/wound in love and then start the process of healing it

it’s my wound of “I don’t get chosen”

which has played out in every single one of my relationships to date, also a lot of my friendships, AND a lot of jobs I’ve had

 I worked through the workshop, I did the release section of it, and now am integrating the medicine of how to fully heal it

this wound stemming from my father not showing up at the hospital when I was born, and playing out subconsciously through the last 29 years of my life

doOooope

as I moved through the rest of this weekend after diving deep into this work, it was some serious magic shit I’ll never be able to fully express as potently in words

but let’s just say I got chosen HARD all weekend

by a professional football player, by the epitome of “the cool girls” who I NEVER felt I was “cool enough” to sit with

in wild experiences, in the most healing experiences, in the shit you see in movies

and I didn’t put a SINGLE effort into being chosen by these experiences, nor was I expecting any of this to happen – quite the opposite actually

these people were magnetized to me because that’s WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HEAL AND OWN YOUR SHIT AND CLEAN UP YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET AND STOP BEING REACTIVE AND FIND GRACE AND STAND IN YOUR WORTH AND DON’T SETTLE 

you become radiant, people want to be in your orbit

you’re given magic and healing and everything you deserve

and sometimes it’s happens really quickly and sometimes it takes time, & if it isn’t happening “as fast” as you want, how can you surrender even more into grace? into joy? into activities that make you happy? into patience? into trust? into the KNOWING that it IS coming? into letting GO of the grip of when will it come?

believe me when I tell you that its when you are in the MOST pain the most heartbreak the most suffering the most confusing that finding your JOY is the most important – when your heart is broken, and you arent chosen, and its all crashing down – cry as much as you need then GO DO SOME SHIT YOU LOVE – like dance or paint or talk or hike or write or WHATEVER it is for you

and as one of my biggest relationship expanders @risingwoman posted just a few days after the ending of my partnership, it couldn’t have been more accurate, landed deeper and at a more divine timing

Some relationships have to end in order for each person to grow in their own direction and find their path – and this is why if we see each partner as our spiritual teacher there can be a mutual gratitude for the lessons we learn together rather than stamping ourselves as failures just because this one didn’t last forever.

Together forever doesn’t have to be the goal, there is value in each connection we form so long as we bring an open-mind, curiosity, and compassion with us along the way.

Sometimes we are preparing each other for the next leg of the journey – and that’s beautiful too.

If one or both of you doesn’t have a deep well of willingness and desire to transform the energy and breathe new life into the partnership – then it’s time to let go

can you start becoming more curious about the hardest periods of your life? can you start looking at them as spiritual teachers? Job losses, relationship endings, losing all your money, friend break ups ~ it’s all the same really

it’s putting into question “how will you show up? who will you be in the midst of your worst experiences?”

I believe in you, because I believe in me ~ and we aren’t much different you and me

allow your rock bottoms to be your oysters and ALLOW THE MAGIC IN THEM to flock to you, if you open your eyes enough you’ll see them

stay magnetic my loves and do shit that makes you happy and laugh a lot and clean up your street and don’t settle, k? 

“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”

2 thoughts on “the magic in rock bottom

  1. I love when you stop trying to write and just let it pour out of you. It’s always a beautiful moment. Thank you!

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