it’s been a minute since I was staring at a blank screen, an open invitation to fill it with my words
I had so many of you respond & reach out a desire to hear how I have cultivated the relationship I am currently in.
I am beyond lit up to speak on it, because really, my relationship with Jordan is the accumulation of what this last year of work has provided for me.
I began the journey back to myself one year ago.
I didn’t begin this journey looking to make more money, or find the man of my dreams, or find my purpose in life.
It was purely to ENJOY life more.
To not feel so hard, so impatient, so judgmental, so aggravated, so disconnected from what I needed, so damn burnt out.
It was to learn to communicate what I needed better.
It was to learn how to laugh more, and be less fucking rigid.
It was to learn how to stop saying NO to every fun activity I was invited to cause I HAD TO WORK IN THE MORNING AND I ABSOLUTELY COULDN’T BE TIRED.
It was so I could stop the relationship cycle I was in. Meet a man, fall in love within a week, and stay months & months past the expiration date cause lord knows I could CHANGE THEM into my dream partner.
It was so I could feel SEXY for the first time in my whole life.
And, after a year of devoted work on ME, here I am living the life of my god damn dreams with the man of my dreams.
I HIGHLY recommend being supported on this journey. I CAN NOT rave more about investing in an expert coach & getting into a safe group that is focused on supporting you through this journey back to yourself!
Reach out, I have a long list of amazing women & men I can recommend to you!
The specific steps I did to arrive at a relationship as open, pure, & healthy as the one I am in:
(even if you are in a relationship currently, start at phase one & reinvent yourself)
PHASE ONE: deep connection with self
fall madly in love with YOURSELF; I devoted six months to mentorship with women who were experts in teaching me how to learn what I needed to thrive, what I really wanted from life, and how to ask for it.
I adapted a radical self care practice where I took better care of myself than EVER before. Baths 2-3x a week, body oiling daily, I invested in the best of the best supplements to support my immune system, I began eating really clean, & sleeping more than ever. I hibernated for a few months while I gave myself as much time as possible to SELF CARE deeply.
I began a deep journey of self exploration.
I began getting really deep & clear on what was going on in my mind. I began journaling daily ~ gratitude lists, what my non negotiable in life are, what I am no longer willing to say yes to, what my values/truth are, what my truest & deepest vision for life is. I spent time LEARNING what set my heart on fire.
I began trying different HOBBIES! A first for me. I tried a month of painting, I did MONTHS of sensual dance, I wrote love letters & sent them in the mail, I tried kundalini, I got into gardening, I began reading to just read, I explored breast massaging & cold showers, I tried all different types of exercise. I TRIED things ON! I left a lot behind, and I kept some that I love for my outlets now.
I invested in an amazing therapist to support me on my journey.
PHASE TWO: community
I devoted myself to a sisterhood. I joined online communities that interested me & connected with sisters doing similar work.
(if you’re a male reading this, hi hello! just replace sisterhood with brotherhood, its JUST as important for YOU)
I spent an hour every single day connecting with my sisters. Checking in, giving updates, supporting them, laughing together, sending each other sexy photos. These women have SAVED me this last year. Through the most uncomfortable moments of growth, through heartbreak, through months of wild sexual exploration to giggle about.
Community is ESSENTIAL *************
PHASE THREE: digging deep in relationship patterns
I began following relationship experts on instagram. Allowing my news feed to be full of advice & wisdom that I wanted to adapt as my own.
I read Queens Code by Allison Armstrong which BLEW ME OPEN
I dove DEEP into this article & spent a few days diving into their free CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP BLUEPRINT attached
Because I spent a good chunk of time in PHASE ONE I knew what my desires were, what my non negotiable were, the type of life I dreamt of so from that place I crafted a VERY specific ideals list for my dream partner.
and truly this is ALL the time/energy/work I’ve spend ‘finding’ my dream partner.
PHASE FOUR: maintenance
Now you’re in it, and wondering… cool NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO TO MAINTAIN AND HOLD THIS BEAUTY!?
Communicate, communicate, & communicate some more.
Because you spent such beautiful time in Phase One learning deeply about yourself, what you need, what you love, what makes you happy, how to prioritize yourself ~ start voicing these components of yourself to your partner.
When something makes you sad, angry, uncomfortable, when you don’t feel like your needs are getting met ~ communicate IT.
Continue to DEEPLY nourish yourself, so your cup is overflowing into the relationship.
Don’t depend on your partner to fill your cup, ever honestly. Thats your job.
Begin diving into your sexuality. How do you like to be touched? What makes you orgasm? What are your fantasies? What do you want to try together?
Voice these to your partner, & ask your partner what THEY like.
Learn each other’s Love Languages & then DO THOSE things for each other.
the piece that makes the different is PHASE ONE
it’s learning how to set boundaries, it’s learning what you NEED to be your best, its learning what makes you your worst, its learning your insecurities, its learning how to have the hard conversations ALWAYS, its learning how to give yourself the absolute BEST self care, how to be your healthiest and most nourished so you can show up your BEST in a relationship
for me it was learning what made me act so controlling in relationships, so I could heal that & stop emasculating men
it was learning how crucial feeling safe is to me in a relationship & how safety leads to delicious sexual exploration together
it was realizing that a high level of communication is imperative for me to open my heart in a relationship
since week two of Jordan and me, I have consistently said ‘the hard thing’ when needed
because I have learned HOW imperative speaking up in ~ how playing ‘the cool girl’ ‘the low maintenance girl’ is actually so detrimental to being happy/supported/taken care of & leading to some serious resentments aka SEX KILLER
per example: week two I was a little sick and I didn’t feel he showed up enough for me and I kn ew that I had the option to keep quiet about it & play the cool girl.. which would lead me to feel disconnected from him, OR I could speak up and let him know how I liked to be loved & supported cause WE AREN’T mind readers.
It was terrifying, AND since that moment he exceeds in every way I could ever imagined in terms of being taken care of.
I am by NO MEANS an expert on relationships ~ I have merely spent a year devoted to the work of having the healthiest most conscious one possible & I have crafted that exact experience for myself
The recap steps I recommend if you are seeking the relationship of your dreams, whether that be a new partner or to reignite in your marriage / long term partnership is:
Reconnect with YOURSELF ~ find YOUR happiness/joy/passions/needs/excitement/non negotiables, invest in a mentor to support your journey back to YOU, find a therapist, HEAL YOUR SHIT, figure out what you LOVE sexually (explore, masturbate, learn about pleasure/your desires)
Find your COMMUNITY ~ it takes a fucking tribe my loves, don’t EVER doubt that part to having a sustainable healthy relationship; find couples who are thriving to spend time with, find YOUR people to hold you when you need it
Learn your RELATIONSHIP blueprint ~ dive deep into your patterns in relationships, listen to podcast by love experts, read articles/books on what it takes to be an AMAZING partner, learn how to ditch ‘cool girl persona’ & speak the fuck up with what you need,
AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, have fun!
Make it the greatest messiest explorative journey of your life!