I’m in the mountains of Colorado, camping stuff scattered all around me as I sit in this foreign home with my french press, and my solitary.
This foreign home, that doesn’t feel so foreign.
Living in my fullest solitary the last six months, the thoughts of anyone else’s desires, coming second to mine. The swirling I felt before arriving of, how will I be able to seamlessly transition back into sharing space, a week in full immersion, with someone I haven’t seen in six years..
Where to begin? The beginning? The now?
Maybe starting at falling in love was my absolute last intention, not a single thought of it crossing my mind for a very long time..
Interacting just a bit over the last six months with men that were interested, however, shutting it down nearly as fast as it began, because that wasn’t where I felt in the depths of my heart my path was winding down..
It feels so important to outline the build up, how this has manifested so seamlessly. So seamlessly that I booked a plane ticket, after about 3 actual conversations to break my solitude and share space with a man I haven’t seen in six years..
I’ve been in the depths of the work the last six months.
Healing the many broken facets of the health I had gained the year before, healing the many broken facets of my heart that I endured over the last four years, beginning the healing journey of my deep rooted trauma that I’ve refused to show up for in my adult years.
Meditating daily, writing & sharing nearly daily, dancing, laughing, loving MYSELF so hard, living SO fiercely my TRUTH.. becoming a magnetic truly.
“A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time. We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life.”
I’ve had this block for many years that I’d ever find ‘my person’ because ‘my person’ didn’t exist, or if they did, they were so far out of reach I’d never ‘find them’. My best friend Lizz reminding me often that this was not my reality, but my limiting block was too real to see the truth in that. How would I ever find a person who knows how much fun it is to party & drink, but has chosen the path of not drinking because it affects their conscious in the same way it does mine? How would I ever find this person who has this deep yearning for the outdoors, but also wants to sit and drink tea outside with me and talk about every depths of this deep & breathtaking life? My list of wants feeling way too specific for this person to ever exist..
Receiving a message two and a half weeks ago, that in more ways than I could ever even begin to truly explain, changed my life..
“I would love to see you again one day. I feel like we’re on similar paths.”
two and a half weeks ago..
leading into countless 3+ hour FaceTime sessions, seeing this person’s soul so deeply & truly, speaking the same language in almost every conversation, leaning so heavily into this desire of – I need to see this through, I need to feel this connection in real time. I need eye contact, and hand holding while we talk about all the messy & hard topics that I crave to dive deep into..
On 5.19 I was in the depths of spirals – in the depths of fear & doubt & the desire to run as far the other direction as possible, with lightening speed.
I wrote this little piece, and while the fear is still ever present at moments, I know theres no true growth in the cozy seat of comfort..
Its 9:23pm I’m in bed with hip hop blaring
Its the only thing that feels grounding today
Having wild ass dance parties, eyes closed dipping low
Feeling a bit manic
So much magic zipping around me that
The two words that truly capture the depths of what I feel right now
Ive been cruising seamlessly since March 1st
In the depths of self healing, of full Kelsie immersion
The only thoughts streaming through my mind being – what does Kelsie want? What does Kelsie feel? Who can Kelsie connect with today?
Seems a bit self centered when I type it out, however after spending nearly a year compromising on nearly every desire I had & mostly settling into choices that weren’t my truth daily- this time has felt divine, well deserved, a word to describe more than fulfillment
My mind clear, my intentions pure & safe
Life has been very stable
Very predicable – which isn’t true Kelsie fashion
however, incredibly comforting & needed
Until an ordinary Friday at 9:28pm – not knowing my life was about to tilt off its axis
days of conversation, of connection, of speaking the same language, of my mind no longer being filled of Kelsie, so quickly feeling my knees unsteady, my belly flipping from morning to night, feeling my typical walls the height of the Eiffel Tower completely lowered, no judgement no filter just truth & safety to be authentic
to feeling so beyond unstabilized
of typing the words out “surely I am on MTV punked”
of being in so much fear I don’t even know where to put it
Knowing that I have the choice to turn the other way, walk around the other corner – however, knowing that what’s found me will be around the corner, in another form and the time to show up for it is now
the choice to run isn’t mine – I believe in the abundance the universe gives me, no matter if I am ready for it or not
I believe in the lessons
I believe in timing
I believe in the growth of love
i believe I am stronger than fear
I believe I am in for a ride I can’t even fathom
and the stay tuned has lead to me here, right now.
In the depths of so much connection, so much love – of needing both my hands, and my feet to be touching this person at all times, because I truly can’t get close enough, of desiring to talk it all out, every fear every desire every past lesson, leaving no page unturned as we learn the absolute depths of each others soul, how the true immerse safety & support I feel in this person with not a single judgement present when I say “this is what I need, this is what I want, this is going to make me feel the best” knowing whatever it is that comes after each of those sentences is heard, respected, and OKAY, of having NO idea what comes next and feeling no fear in that because, as I’ve searched my heart memories, I have never in my life felt this way before, and whatever happens next is more than okay because I have this right now..
As I was falling asleep our first night together, emotions high connection so deep I could hardly breathe, I rolled over & said with the purest heart opening – “I can’t wait to find the words to capture how truly special you are” and as I am still truly searching for those words..
I can capture it in bits & pieces.. in the ways he loves so purely & openly. in the ways in which he leads by his heart, and follows his gut with so much truth & courage. in the ways in which he combats the fears that once ruled him so deeply, no longer allowing his mind to win, because he knows the truth strength in his foundation. in the ways in which taking care of the person he cares for is at the heart of who he is. in the ways in which you can look into his eyes and know he SEES you and wants to support every step of whatever journey you believe in, because the depths of who is he is only truly motivated by what sets you on fire, & that they are following that..
the depths of this man’s beauty is unearthly
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
At this point, I’ve got absolutely no idea what happens from here, and sure that could send me into a whole lot of fear, & that could send me into a ‘LET’S TALK LET’S PLAN LET’S FIGURE THIS OUT RIGHT NOW’, which is TRULY Kelsie fashion, however, I am so uninterested in that narrative these days. I am indulging in every single second of this time together, of every moment of deep eye contact, of each purposeful kiss, and the simple hand holds in the car that make me feel so seen, of him dragging a log the size of me out of the forest to build me a fire, of all the pure love that is felt in each simple & complex moment..
“It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death.”
I plan to get so lost in my very own fairy tale, ready for however it unfolds, as this feeling of fullest connection is what this entire time on Earth is about..
I’m off to crawl back in bed, see you all on the other side xx