One of my best friends recently started a new relationship, having sleepovers here and there. This weekend she found herself there sleeping over, waking up to uncomfortable cramps. As he rolled over to her, 7am, with tender little kisses clearly ready to turn it on before she left for the day, she obliged.
Not because she was turned on, or deeply connected, in touch with what her body wanted.
because she amongst many other strong women, have this condition implanted in us, that it doesn’t matter what our bodies are truly desiring, our bodies will get there once it begins, it’s just important we take care of our partners because sexual pleasure is what they need, and deserve.
Now, I am not speaking to every women, of course. I am not speaking to every relationship, but I am speaking of the vast majority of women sitting in this conditioning.
I am speaking of myself, heavily.
I woke up this morning from a dream, a dream that felt so real I could recount every step we took, every branch we broke twirling through the woods, laughing kissing. I was with this man, I’m not sure who he was but my god was he handsome, and my god did I long for his uninterrupted attention. I wanted him to see me, desire me, and want me unconditionally. And what he wanted? Me to be there for sex when it was convenient, and my god did he put on the charm when HE was ready for the time. Me believing, yes this is it, he’s finally going to see I’m worth it, cool enough, and he’s going to want me after all this is said and done.
We did the deed, in the middle of the woods. Was passionate, mind blowing, all those adjectives I don’t need to list. And then the dream started to unfold to this harsh reality I haven’t been fully open to until recently. His family must have lived in those woods, and they saw us, he was ashamed of me and had to sneak me away. He told me to wait, and he’d be back to help me out of the woods. He came back forty minutes later with a lantern and told me I’d have to follow the track and climb down this really steep ladder, me pleading not to go alone, “I’m terrified of ladders, I can’t do it alone” crying, pleading, ashamed. I just pleased you so well, I’m worth it, I’m cool enough. Please come with me.
Please don’t choose this – ‘this’ being, not me.
In the dream, a friend of his showed up, a really lovely man. He offered to walk me to the ladder, he encouraged every step I took down the ladder, it really was such a scary way down. He was patient as I cried, and pleaded that I couldn’t do it. I offered this man nothing, and he showed up gracefully, just because.
This dream, was such a true metaphor of my life. And maybe, many of yours reading also?
“My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude…”
There has been more times than I can count where I’ve longed for a man, who truly wasn’t there for the reasons he should have been, for my heart for my soul for my mind. However, I showed up anyway. Gave him what he desired, believing that would be enough to make him choose me.
There has been more times than I can count where I’ve laid in bed with my partner(s), so turned off, but showed up anyway because I felt it was my duty. It was going to make them love me more, caress me more, I would be enough for them to never leave.
A handful of times I laid on my belly tears falling out of my eyes, because I truly didn’t want to be intimate with my partner, but I felt I had no real choice. It was my duty.
With these realities unfolding everyday, as I begin to do the work – i’ve decided I am taking it all the fuck back.
I am reclaiming, and rebirthing really, my desires.
Settling into a space of this immense truth of – I am enough, I am sexy, I am beauty in the mess, I am worth walking through the forest & down the ladder with.
But deeper than that, I am no longer settling into a space of, “I don’t really want this, but I really don’t want you to stop talking to me, or I don’t want you to think I am not (insert all the mean things you’ve been conditioned with) a good girlfriend, sexual enough, giving, fun, a bad girl, etc. so I am going to do it anyway.”
If you follow me on Instagram, I’m sure you’ve noticed my story looks a lot different these days. Same Kelsie, just a bit less clothes on my body, & a lot more sensual dancing videos.
I’ve working through the fear, shame, judgement in that. However, part of reclaiming these parts of myself I’ve lost over the last four years; parts I lost from saying yes to sex I didn’t really want to have, is allowing space to find myself in a different light.
& being vulnerable enough to share this journey, as I have shared all the journeys over the last five years.
If I choose to keep this one hidden, what does that say? That there is shame in being sexy? In being feminine? In uncovering the rawness in being woman? In tapping into desire?
“I always did something I was a little not ready to do. I think that’s how you grow. When there’s that moment of ‘Wow, I’m not really sure I can do this,’ and you push through those moments, that’s when you have a breakthrough..”
A girl I worked with about ten years ago at Disney World reached out to me recently, wishing me well, sharing she’s enjoyed following my journey.
I thanked her whole heartedly, and said something along the lines of, “I’ve been wondering if people who don’t know me well, have felt like I’m losing it as they follow along”
She said the most powerful sentence back to me, “I’d say you found ‘it’, rather than lost ‘it’.”
God that lit me up more than I could ever truly explain.
This is probably the hardest journey of openness I’ve ever shared. I have so many preconceived notions in my head of women who ‘act’ like this publicly. That it’s for attention, that it’s for the private DMs from random guy/girls to provide fulfillment etc. but my god has my judgements been so naive & ignorant to the power of it all.
To the freedom & self power it gives you.
and I want each of you beautiful beings to know, you have the ability to feel free, liberated & in true control of what you want..
I’ve been following this remarkable woman (JuliaShepleyPhoto – go check her out) for years, and over the last six months or so, I saw her story change a little, or rather her truth being spoken more publicly online. She spoke to me so much through her words, through her photos. All the women on your newsfeed, sensual naked intimate raw. I wanted that, I wanted to feel the rawness, the truth, the feminine.
As God would have it, we connected a few weeks ago and she offered to a do a virtual photoshoot for me. I was pretty naked, and pretty awake to how remarkable it made me feel. The connection with her connected me with all of these powerful women who talk openly about self pleasure, about how YOU matter, your desires, YOU’RE in charge of it all, dancing together every Sunday, being encouraged to spank ourselves, and tap into WHAT WE WANT. Fuck, it’s so remarkable. I encourage you all to join us one week (aimeebatuski – will get you there)
Igniting this empowerment in me, unburying the years of fucked up intimacy I’ve chosen to push down & ignore, unleashing the healing I need to do with sex being my way of being – cool enough, good enough, enough to want to stay.
“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid…”
In true Kelsie fashion, take some time to drop in with yourself on these questions:
Are you saying Yes when you want to say No?
Are you pleasing to get it done, finding no pleasure in it yourself?
Are you having the hook ups, to convince them to stay?
Does dancing for yourself, seeing photos of yourself half dressed – light you up or set you in a level of judgement?
Let’s do the work together. Let’s break down the walls. Lets have the hard talks. & lets remember, you deserve it ALL. every caress, every orgasm, every I LOVE YOU, every call after the night of sex, every walk down the ladder hand & hand.
If no one has told you lately, I just need you to know it.
You are soft, delicate, spicy, & sexy.
love you endlessly
“As women, we have to start appreciating our own worth and each other’s worth. Seek out strong women to befriend, to align yourself with, to learn from, to collaborate with, to be inspired by, to support, and enlightened by…”