bon iver on repeat.

king size beds that consumes me.

I never write at nighttime. My brain is never clear enough. These days though, when does my brain ever really feel clear? I feel like I am just going from one to another to another. Spacey, autopilot.

My trainer said to me yesterday “I am so jealous of your lifestyle, your ability to just go, go wherever you want.” And my immediate response was, “yeah well I am jealous of your strength, your muscles.”

don’t get it twisted my sweet friends, we are ALL jealous of something. even the people who appear to “have it all” long for things they think they don’t have. *spoiler alert, we all have the ability to have exactly what you are jealous of

“I have learned that champions aren’t just born; champions can be made when they embrace and commit to life-changing positive habits.”

i’m jealous of stability, of physical strength, of women that can do handstands so effortlessly, of partnerships that are endless & full of immense respect and love, of stability, again & again, of stability.

but god it’s so important to remember that not a single person woke up & had most of those things you are jealous of. it all takes work, a lot of work to arrive there.

right now, i’m in the depths of the work.

right now, i long the most for stability. i find myself envious of stability.

stability meaning: 1. a situation in which something is not likely to move or change.

my life is remarkable, i have no interest in downplaying that.

I’ve found myself downplaying it a lot since I’ve been back in York, it feels too big, too unknown here. I don’t want to though, because downplaying it means that every single person I speak with can’t have it also. And that’s the biggest lie I could ever pass on. Every single one of you are capable. 

This remarkable life, this time around, comes with a lot of weight as I navigate the journey.

“The more stable you remain the more stability you bring. Quiet the noise and find some joy.”   

Tonight, that journey has me writing from a hotel room in the middle of York County. It felt like either this, or the psych ward *kidding, kind of 😉 

Yeah, I get to travel anywhere I want, and work from any cute cafe I fancy, & yeah I can take naps in the middle of the day if I want.

But, how did that come to be? Burning my entire life as I knew it to the fucking ground.

The last three months have been absolute madness, and I have deemed it realistic to continue on this way, not taking even five minutes to process it all.

I spent nearly a month with my partners family in a foreign country, a partner I was planning on spending my life with, who I worked so damn hard to get us to arrive in the space I knew we could be in, I came home ended my entire life as I knew it, walked alongside my family as my dad relapsed not knowing if he was going to make it through yet again, all while living with my mom for the first time since she’s been sober, & not having a second to just breathe through it all. To work through each piece of it, to cry to heal to release to scream to just have a minute to NOT HAVE IT TOGETHER.

today marks two years ago i moved to Australia. two years later I am right back where I started. What feels like a decade of growth, in the depths of this moment, matched with I feel like I never left. too much emotion in that realization. words of failure. shameful. 5700 steps backwards swirling in my head.

Falling into the same damn pattern that I do. Which hit me like a ton of bricks tonight, almost like God was literally laughing in my face of “ARE YOU AWAKE YET?”

Left feeling shameful, real shameful. As I speak so much of self healing, and being aware, and seeing your patterns, & being your highest self. And you know, I felt I had passed the test, felt I was vibing at my highest self, only to be reminded of the depths of work I still need to do. What a face smack back to reality. To a reality I don’t really love at the moment.

Which wraps me back to my previous section of, stability. 

This post isn’t like most of my others filled with super inspiring shit to take away, this is the grit. the raw. the real. the I am lost on my path & I am coming up for air even though I feel like I am okay.

I drown myself in work, in clients, in projects, in short burst love affairs that I know are going nowhere.

And none of it is ‘wrong’ cause there is no such thing as right and wrong. but rather awareness & avoidance.

so here we are, friends. in a hotel room in York Pennsylvania with Bon Iver on repeat. dealing with my shit. in all the ways i don’t actually know how to. but i am showing up for it, cause at this point, theres no where else to go.

i hope you make the decision to deal with yours also. i hear its really great on the other side of pattern breaking 😉

I’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines. xx

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow…”

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