I’ve been sitting with this post for roughly six months, paralyzed with where to even begin.
Still equally as paralyzed as it is so much, too much.
2 0 1 9 was so much.
“You can choose courage, or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both..”
Do I start at the beginning? The end?
2019 I began my own business, and slowly I worked through all the kinks that go along with that. Ecstatic wins, days feeling like a failure. Before I knew it, I was only working for someone else 15 hours a week, and then full time for myself. Waking up everyday to the life I wanted, and worked damn hard to create. It didn’t happen overnight, however, it did happen gracefully because I followed in the alignment of what felt right professionally.
“When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel..”
However, this post is not about my professional success.
It’s about the personal aspects of 2019 – of the ten pounds I gained, of the battle with chronic migraines causing unbearable anxiety, with being severely bloated for six months straight. It’s about ignoring all the signs that MY LIFE was so beyond off track & pretending hard that I was o – fucking – kay for a year.
This post is about this undeniable reality that I needed to stand in the depths of this courage I wasn’t sure I had and cancel my visa to Australia & end my relationship to my long term partner.
And on a Tuesday in December, I did just that.
My life in Australia was picture perfect, & in a lot of ways it was perfect.
I lived in the rainforest, I worked from home, I worked at a five star resort that was truly a dream job, I could go to the beach whenever I wanted, I was close to every travel destination I could ever want, I had the best of friends, I laughed a lot with my partner, we cuddled each other hard every night and every morning, we traveled, we never fought, we cooked together, we loved.
But there was no denying that more often than not, I felt like I was playing house in this foreign country, not living in my reality.
My health was way ahead of my brain – my health screaming at me “what are we doing here?”
So I chose the path that made no sense, even to me at points over the last month.
“Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway.”
My mom recently said to me, “people ask me all the time at work how you live this life, and speak of how unrealistic it is”
And that is so far from the truth. All you need to live the life of your wildest dreams, is courage, belief, and the openness to grow into the strength to deal with it all when it doesn’t ‘work out’ how you imagined.
“We are all failures – at least the best of us are..”
I have unwavering courage & belief & I’ve worked damn hard to have the strength to stomach all the ups and downs.
I’ve loved a handful of breathtaking men, and I’ve ended a handful of breathtaking relationships because it wasn’t the right relationship.
I’ve lived a handful of remarkable places, and I’ve left a handful of remarkable places and started over again because they didn’t work to get me one step closer to my dreams.
I ended a relationship two and a half years ago that was so far from anything I’d ever tolerate long term, and bought a one way ticket to Australia without a fucking clue of what that life looked like.
That decision was scary, and overwhelming, & it changed my life for every single of the best ways possible.
“When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important..”
I ended a relationship two weeks ago that was truly remarkable. We were on path to migrate to Australia together permanently, we shared a home a life, however, I could not ignore the fact that I had outgrew what I was willing to settle for.
With absolutely no plan of whats next, of the reality that I am turning 28 & living with my mom in the town I grew up in, that truly suffocated me as a child – and I went through with the choice anyway – because the right choice & the easy choice are hardly the same as I’ve come to learn.
“We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.”
So I ask you, what are you hanging onto that feels too big to let go of?
Do you enjoy where you live?
Are you genuinely happy in your relationship your marriage?
Do you want to start taking zumba, but afraid you’ll be judged?
Do you long to say no to that group of friends, but fearful you’ll be alone then?
Is there a hobby you’ve been longing to pick up, but don’t have the time for or are too worried about failing at?
Have you been longing to go to Thailand, or Japan, or wherever the hell your heart longs for, but afraid you can’t afford it or don’t want to travel alone?
Do you love waking up every day to the job you have?
You owe it to yourself in 2 0 2 0 to get deep. We’ve never lived in a more AWAKE time. You have so much support & community & courage flowing around this world at the moment, so pick up the dreams you’ve been pushing away and DO IT, SERIOUSLY JUST DO IT.
What’s the worst that can happen? You fail?
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
My god, if I sat in society’s conceptive of failure – I have failed more times than I have succeeded, and in reality this last year I have doubted the trust I have for myself more times than not..
I think because I sat in something I knew was not right for me, for a year. As soon as I made this choice, burning everything I KNEW to the ground, my trust in myself came flooding back it. We really do have the answers inside of us, we all know the right path to go down. You just need to get deep into that gut of yours.
Pull some tarot cards, go to a yoga class, surround yourself with people that higher your belief in life & in yourself. FIND YOUR HIGHER SELF & let it guide you through the murky waters.
and my beautiful friend.. go & fail fearlessly in 2 0 2 0. I’ll be right alongside you, rooting you the fuck on.. ❤
“When you play it safe, you’re not expressing the utmost of your human experience..”