“Your mission statement is not static. Over a period of several years, your priorities and values are likely to change. That is good because change means growth. Your dreams change and, therefore, so do your goals..”
i am about nine weeks out from the toughest point i had in Australia, and as i sit in our home aka our jungle, with a cup of tea and the breeze from the door that’s hanging wide open, i can not help but feel tears for everything this year has been, and how beautiful of an ending it is.
the next five days, our home is full of people we love. four Brazilians from Gustavo’s hometown tonight, two beauties i have not seen in four years!
our home full of laughter and gossip and souls of happiness.
spending this birthday in full laughter, belly laughter. the kind that makes your abs hurt. spending it immersed in people that have so so much love that filled me. with souls that i am so intertwined with. being reminded that we all are on this planet together, and distance is no relative to love and friendship.
i remember my aunt telling me 2018 was going to be a huge year for me, my first year in the mercury retrograde, whatever that ACTUALLY means, she was no doubt incredibly correct. i found my home, the place i’ve been longing for for five years. i found my life partner, the only person i am happy to fight through the hard times with.
two huge stepping stones, found in a year
i have been so blessed with this first year in Australia, to have remarkable jobs, to meet the friends i have, my partner. to have had the opportunity to enhance my skills in a profound way, to really challenge myself, to be given the opportunity to lead a team. my last job i loved, tremendously. the volume, the people, the role. but through some deep reflection, i realized it didn’t come at the right time. taking on a supervisor role was an unforgettable experience, but where i was on a personal level, the timing just didn’t match up. so many big milestones happening outside of work, and having so much physical and mental energy exerted on a professional level. i feel 1000 tons lighter. unblocked. re energized. inspired. such a huge lesson in it all.
the other day, as i was sitting in my fave cafe in town, this song popped onto my playlist.
a banger from last summer, summer 2017. ocean city.
and woah did the feels flood me. grape vodka shots. 3am nights full of dancing. hangover on hangover. arguments on arguments. noon wake ups on the reg. fighting in public, the thought of them still making my stomach flip. months of feeling unworthy of change. isolation in a town of thousands. an undeniable ache for something more, but having truly no idea where to turn.
this day last year i sat at home in heartache. one year ago. not a soul to go to dinner with, to share conversation with. to this year being so overwhelmed by love and conversation and happiness i can’t get out of bed right now.
“Catch on fire if you must, sometimes everything needs to burn to the ground so that we may grow.”
to finally being courageous enough to say enough is enough. throwing myself into another whirlwind. to finally packing my bags with nothing left to lose myself in, and arriving in Australia. with nothing but some hope, unbelievable credit card debt, and a couple thousand dollars to figure it out.
ten months later. i wake up in the studio apartment i’ve dreamed of, full of the most beautiful plants, in the middle of the jungle, the home i’ve ached for. a home, my first home. and i wake up next to this man who even on my ugliest days, is everything i dreamed to wake up next to for the rest of my days. a job, that leaves me with absolutely no stress, not even a thought outside of work. a migration path we’ve started, to begin our life here.
give yourself love and grace and time. my entire life has changed in one year. just one year. please give yourself time.
it’s everything i’ve dreamed of, and i’d be lying if i said sometimes it wasn’t overwhelming. to have it all in your hands. i have learned hard this year that life CONSTANTLY ebs and flows. i have been hit with months of stuck. heaviness. feeling like i can’t get ahead, and then it clears and i’m in the clouds with bliss. and as much as those hard periods really wear me down, i have learned to hold tight, breathe it out, and just keep putting steps in front of each other, no matter how small the steps are. because it does clear, and the other side is always breathtaking.
we searched for five weeks for a home, three days away from having to live in our van. we looked at fifteen different houses. exhausting. heart wrenching. and it was all for this. for holding faith, for prayer. to have this space we do.
you just have to believe. you have to. because if not, what else is there? sorrow, suffering, hatefulness.
“Growth is simply learning how to suffer gracefully, elegantly and not letting your pain completely tear you apart.”
make plans to leave what isn’t serving you anymore, don’t kill yourself for anything because you are replaceable, if your heart aches from love it isn’t your love to have. find your people and love them hard. show up for friendships that bring you joy, and leave ones that don’t. just because a person isn’t your person, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of you, there is just someone else out there for you. friends lovers included.
“You’ll never be able to grow if you’re afraid to lose people during the process. Sometimes past relationships don’t belong in new seasons.”
hang on tight, and be in every moment possible, because a year is nothing. it comes and comes with a blink. but for me, that doesn’t feel so scary anymore, because even when i blink and months have passed, Gustavo is still beside me, and we are still walking this path together. nothing has calmed my ease of being so far away from home like him, his friendship, his joy. i still can’t figure out how i snagged him up. how two people from different worlds, ended up in Byron Bay at the same restaurant at the same time. but i thank god, the universe, whatever you prefer to call it, every single day for this extraordinary love i’ve been given.
i am literally the luckiest most blessed girl on this planet, but i promise you, i have kicked and screamed and clawed my way here. faith, grit, heartache, friendship, and love.
As 2018 comes to an end, i hope you take some time to sit with yourself and dig deep..
what worked for you this year?
who had your back in a true form?
what made you a better person?
what made you heavy? are you ready to leave it behind yet?
how can you be even better?
do you have faith that it all will work out?
“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”
i hope that 2 0 1 9 is everything you could ever dream of. i mean that wholeheartedly. i want every single one of you to experience bliss and a full heart. but know that means going through the mud sometimes.