My laptop is broken, I have no WiFi at my hostel (it’s in the middle of the jungle so I’ll continue to try and breathe through that inconvenience), a girl’s feet in my room smell so bad our room is unbearable to be in, & all I could feel when I woke up cranky today in a 86 degree room with no air conditioning and a girl that snored like a grizzly bear all night was, I need to connect – I need to write.
So here I am, at the library on a desktop that is $1.10 every 15 minutes, with my cut off warning flashing on the screen..
At every point in my life that I can remember, moving to Philadelphia with two weeks before I started my internship, three summers in a row moving to Ocean City with a week lapse in starting a job, and now here, in Australia with my first week being consumed of a whole lot of nothing, the reality has always been, I don’t do well with lapses.
I don’t do nothing well. Yes there’s exploring to do, and yoga, and the beach, and endless restaurants to try. But none of that has ever mattered to me, no matter where I relocate to, if I don’t have some sort of purpose in my days. Now don’t get me wrong, that is so substantially different when I know I am just traveling, but when it comes to relocating my life, it is much different of expectations I put on myself. And that is where the problem lies, I just realized.
With too much idle time to think, and digest, and feel the heavy feels of what another relocation means. This one sending me in spirals of, “is this actually what I want? Maybe I actually just want an apartment and a cat and dinner dates with my best friends who are in the same town as me? Maybe I just want to meet the person I grow old with and travel the world and marry and love forever? “
But instead of sitting in panic, in the middle of a grassy field hiding in the shade because my skin was so burnt I could have cooked an egg on it, I allowed myself to go through each of those thoughts, and really feel them, and then let myself know and believe, “I am here, this is what I am meant to be doing today, and I won’t allow myself to go crazy with the ‘what ifs’.”
What if me coming here meant I passed up the opportunity to be with the man I love with all my heart?
What if me coming here meant I’ve delayed myself teaching yoga and opening up a studio?
what if what if what if blah blah.
Realistically when I sit with it all, I know the what ifs aren’t mine to have right now, so I’m not missing out on them, because they aren’t even a reality for me at this point in life. Otherwise I’d be living them.
trust vs control remember?
This is all part of the process. And this process, this year I truly believe in my hearts of hearts is to break me down of all comforts, to totally strip me of all “yeah i know that already” and to really just rebuild my heart and soul.Because do I even know the truth on what I want from romantic love, on what I want to do with the rest of my life, on how to be this authentic version of myself daily?
“A girl who travels will need someone that questions her, not too little, and not too much. She’ll need someone to read her, but also really listen to her. Because she’ll want to do the same. She’ll want a person that shares an interest but at the same time stays genuine to who they are. Not drown in a puddle of narcissism. And not drown in a lake of fascination.”
― lauren klarfeld
And while I believe the end version is going to be this beautiful magnificent magnetic person who can help make this world even a small bit better, I am not naive to know all the heartache and lessons along the way I’ll have to face.
The loneliness of familiarity, the ache of security, the comforts of what I am used to, and the hardest one for me I believe will be, opening myself up. Back home, where I am surrounded by a small tribe of people who know and love me so well, I have written this story for myself that I don’t really need to make close relationships with new people. I have an amazing circle of friends I talk to, advise, and share life with for short periods of time, but when it comes to becoming a close part of my world, it is quite challenging to do.
So this journey, of making true genuine friendships will be the most challenging and beautiful one for me.
I have no idea what it all will unfold into, what will come of it, all I know is: I’m sunburn to a crisp, happy with my new town, searching desperately for an apartment, and figuring out every day in some serious discomfort what I want and what I don’t want from this experience, and from life!
“A difficult journey is spiritual rewarding.
There is a more dependence on god, the supernatural power, grace and divine favour long the travel.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita
Just because it feels uncomfortable, and/or because you feel panic & fear, doesn’t mean you should give up on the journey.
Just because you can’t feel the magic in the moments, does not mean they aren’t there. You really must just open your eyes and you’ll see the small glimpses of it around. In the last 48 hours I have seen the words, magic up ahead, magic all around you, and my meditation for the day being, find the magic of the day.
And you know I haven’t felt much magic these last two days, I’m sure the full moon/my cycle arriving isn’t helping me feel less miserable, but I am learning the external can be harsh and unfair sometimes, but if you can find yourself, your truth, the purpose of these moments, internally(even in small amounts) everything will unfold itself to you exactly how it’s meant to, at the exact pace. Find your patience & grace and all will be well.
Do I ever speak whole hardheartedly from experience with this concept- I promise you there is magic ahead if you just believe..