Well the time is here, sitting in the airport, an all too comfortable location for me to cozy up in. Wish I could say I was cozy right now, as I am actually a bit frantic. Placing orders before I get trapped in this airplane for two days, placing orders for a business I have grown to fall in love with, so feeling frantic I am willing to accept.
I have been writing this blog post for ten weeks..
and its wild to think what can truly take place and evolve in ten weeks; when i started this post, I was still in the depths of trying to figure out ‘how to make my relationship work’. Resisting what was made so clearly to me, “it is time to go Kelsie”, God was basically screaming it at me.
But I didn’t want to quit, didn’t want to just give up. I give up too easily too often, I didn’t want to do that with this person, this amazing human. But it was just made so clear time and time again, this human wasn’t my forever being, and it wasn’t all that amazing towards the end, making it so clear it was time to go.
Chapter one begins here, the chapter of clarity:
It’s December 11th.
It feels like an eternity since I was cozy in a cafe before 10am overflowing with words to share.
The word that keeps vibrating through me.
My 2017 cocoon coming unraveled.
“And the day came when the wish to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anais Nin
No matter how it’s explained, no matter the words I pick- it’s the reality.
My time is up here. There is no more room for me to grow, no room for me to be healthy here. There has never been space for me to be healthy here. Year after year after year. Having the same conversation, the same feelings, the same outcome.
This year giving me so much more than any other years in this place, an absolutely beautiful partner & friend. A person who has loved me through this year of cracking open, learning me, and showing up the best he could through all the hard shit. teaching me pieces of myself that i’ll forever be thankful for. (i wish sitting here ten weeks later this was still the reality, but life happens as it happens, and everyone handles hurt as they know how to)
However it’s time to wave the white flag, time to pack it up & get the hell out of dodge.
Always be home, but never be my home.
So where does that leave so many avenues of my life right?
That’s definitely one word to describe it.
Maybe let’s rewind?
It’s December 11th, I am waking up, late in the day as always, I am in such hibernation mode these last couple of months, my body aching & aching & aching more for rest. How can I explain what happened next? This huge wave came over me, laying there snugged up in bed scrolling through instagram with the words, I am moving to Australia taking over my entire body.
“If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.” — Thomas Alva Edison
Now let me point out, this isn’t a new idea of mine, I applied & paid for my Visa back in March, but really I’ve pushed it back & back because who moves to the other side of the world when they are creating & building a relationship.
But the wave, the feeling, the certainty was unexpected & undeniable. I played with the idea, I pinterested a little, then I got out of bed to start my day allowing the idea to settle back into where it belonged.
My dad called about two hours later, in pure chaos, relapsed depression chaos so much chaos. Such a sadness matched with a jump start in my heart that, life is short and anything can happen anything can change, darkness is around the same corner that lightness is, and that you must must must make the most out of it all. you just must. You must not stay in places, situation, a life that is not in alignment with what you really want & envision for longer than it takes you to learn the lesson of it.
Don’t confuse a season with a lifetime.
Don’t confuse the clarity of a situation with what you want it to be.
The day unraveled, I was numb at parts, aching in others. Ending up at my partner’s house, curled up on the bed mindlessly.
The conversation that ended that evening really made it clear that all the old was unraveling & all the new coming together. Knowing what it all meant, but unraveling in a manner that I didn’t wasn’t quite ready accept. All the work we had done, all the good times, the hard times. Not wanting to let go. But knowing nothing else made sense.
Let’s fast forward a week.
December 19th, it’s time to go.
That’s all I can feel, all I can understand, all I can hang onto.
The only concept that makes sense.
Chapter two, the chapter of strength:
so it’s February 5th.
the amount that can unfold in seven weeks is mind blowing to me.
“Follow your bliss, and doors will open for you that you never knew existed. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.” – Joseph Campbell
i move to Australia in exactly fourteen days. this sentence constantly swirling around these days.
Five days ago I sat on the beach under the super moon, with a small fire, a bag of keepsakes, & a two page love letter of ease I wrote to myself.
The ending of my relationship being pretty horrible, leaving us both in a lot of pain & handling the pain towards each other in the way we both knew how & needed to. resulting in a lot of blame, shame, heartache. and only a little bit of understanding and grace.
That small fire & full moon being the final release I’ve needed to just let go of it all.
because it simply comes down to Trust vs. Control.
And ladies & gentlemen I am a control freak (a label I’ve hate that I was deemed but it being unfortunately true). I want it all to go the way I plan, because I know best obvi. Being out of control makes me drown..
but I left all that shit on the beach that night, the ashes of letters filled of blame, pictures of happier days, memories after memories, and most importantly my immense need to be in control being burned away. because I am just going with Trust these days, trust that it’s happening exactly how it’s meant to. because there just is not space for the alternative anymore.
the amount that can unfold in seven weeks.
hope. reconnections. laughter. tears. so many tears. whirlwinds. unconditional love. immense loneliness. death. heartbreak. overdoses.
filling boxes & boxes of all my remaining stuff. getting on my knees in between boxes & praying for strength and grace as I prepare to say goodbye once again.
everything I’ve worked through and towards placing me right here. with my heart exactly as it’s supposed to be. fourteen days away from moving across the world.
with no job lined up, with only two weeks of accommodation booked.
will i find a job? will i end up sleeping in a park with my (way too much) luggage? will i run out of money?
of course the fear of the above matter, but does it matter enough to stay?
“Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.” — T.S Eliot
no, it absolutely doesn’t.
nothing has ever felt more right, & more terrifying.
so here I go my beautiful friends. the only thing standing between me & this wild adventure being, loading & unloading my car with too many boxes, countless goodbyes to all of the people i love more than anything in this world, and a 26 hour flight.
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life and in change there is power.” — Alan Cohen Quotes
Chapter three, the frantic spiral downward:
It’s February 10th. It’s 8:22pm. I move out of this home tomorrow morning.
I have only wrote one other time late at night in over the year I have had this blog. Something about that sun going down just kind of ruins my stamina for all things productivity. But something about this suffocating fear I just fell out of, brought me to this space. at 8:22pm.
A fear I’ve battled pretty hard in this town for the last countless months. As soon as that sun went down, I found it hard to breathe. Never feeling like I belonged in the night time here.
I have wished and dream and prayed and ached for this day to come. here. The day I pack up my car to leave. long periods I found myself holding my breath because I needed it to get here so desperately.
I remember the week of Christmas being home with every single person who loves me harder than I deserve some days, just sitting in panic. How will I ever survive another six weeks in this town. Everyone reminding it six weeks is an eye blink. And that is truth. Time really is irrelevant. It swallows you up in the moment, but the moment passes so quickly. you really just must hang on.
I started this day helping a dear friend pack up and head out of town. My first goodbye of so many to come these next two weeks. All day, I ached & ached but couldn’t quite place it.
Was is because I have been on a reckless bender the last nine days? So much over indulging and living in delusion love and heartache and wine oh so much wine.
Was it that the roller coaster I have been on for the last six weeks, has finally hit the sudden stop at the end and I am left with slight motion sickness and vertigo?
Driving home from my last day of work, with a family I’ve grown to love, goodbyes that broke off another piece of my fragile heart.
this fear. a fear i don’t even know where resides inside of me. a fear i get really startled with when shows up. hard & unexpectedly. because fear isn’t really something I am used to working through.
i’m about an hour out of absolute panic mode. a downward spiral of “what in the actual f*ck am i doing with my life?” a spiral of “what if this isn’t the answer” then what? a spiral of so much fear. an elephant on my chest. tears rushing down my face as i try really hard to eat the crab cake sandwich I just brought home from a bar i’ve frequented for so many months this year that felt more like a prison being inside tonight than a restaurant that was full of i’m sure really sweet souls.
so i probably seem like i’m rambling dramatically here right? i do that sometimes. but there’s a point, you know because there is always a point.
i need you to feel fear, and to drown a little sometimes, and lose your breathe. and maybe pack a bag in a tornado fashion and hop in your car and just drive.
i need you to not swallow the emotion down and pretend it doesn’t exist, but even more so, i need you to KEEP GOING through the heavy emotion.
i need you to believe and know, that feeling will go away. maybe not in a few hours, maybe not even in a few days. but it will. it always will. and you must keep living, no matter how much that fear suffocates you at times. because moments can swallow you up, but moments are really just so quick. in bliss or in suffrage.
because fear is proving to you that you’re living as real as you should possibly be living.
i am moving to the other side of the world in eight days. i have absolutely no idea what i am doing. i’ve failed more relationships with great people than i really ever care to think too deeply about. i have a degree i’m paying a lot of money for, but not even on my radar of using. i hit speed bumps way too quickly on lessons i’ve already learned more often than not still. but you know? i am just going to keep on going, and trying & succeeding/failing because both mean the same really.
and i just hope you’ll embark on your own journey with me.
knowing it isn’t easy, or flawless, or glamorous at all turns.
and so here we are, its Febuary 19th, I just had the most magical aligned and healthy week home. truly indescribable magic and love. so much love. And I am calm now sitting in this airport sharing these words with all of you, and at ease. boarding the plane in t minus thirty minutes.
And I am moving to Australia.
And really that is the only thing I know right now.
I am exactly where I should be, I am happy, and I’m moving to Australia.
I hope you’ll join me on this journey.
With so so so much love and gratitude.
Let the wild unknown BEGIN!