It’s 9:10pm. I’ve been in my bedroom decompressing, if I’m using kind words, sulking if I’m being honest, for the last 4 hours; just laying in my bed binge watching netflix. Today the weather was perfect, I had the entire day to spend any single way I wanted. My last day off for the next eight days, and you know I put so much pressure on myself for not going to the beach, or going to a coffee shop and sitting outside and writing, or for not cleaning enough, etc. I find I put the absolute most pressure on myself in the summer time (financially, mentally, physically), and yet put in the least amount of self care to balance how hard I am on my myself. Ironic huh?
For readers who have kept up with my posts over the last year, what one phrase do I touch on almost every post? Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can.
Well, I am here to say I have not lived that belief more than 10% of the month of July. I have been so hard, and to put bluntly, mean to myself. And not living what I preach is a really hard concept for me to accept. But if everything is always seamless, and easy to achieve/live by, how do we evolve into more?
The elements around me have been challenging this month, I’ve had so much guilt being flooded in with from a family member, and I’ve had so much constant criticism coming from a person close to me, and really the place I put 40 hours a week in has picked right back up on testing me on my beliefs I’ve grown to have about the type of worker, and person I am. But all of that should not be the deciding factor for how I feel about myself.
What I believe I can say the most about this month, and what I want to share with you so heavily is: it doesn’t matter what elements are around you. If you live in a big home, furnished with everything you could ever want, or if you live in a little house that’s too chaotic with people you can’t stand. Or you have a job you love or a job you hate; it’s about YOU, and about the work you are putting in to be intentional on being happy and fulfilled. Anyone can flourish, no matter the environment.
While the month of July has been a challenging one, it has also been an absolute blessing. I have spent time creating and building a relationship that is more beautiful than most experiences I have been fortunate enough to live through. It’s so genuine, and enjoyable, and most days truly unbelievable. A divine intervention, as we joke often, but has such a foundation of truth. It’s the first time I have felt consistent feelings of contentment and joy, outside of traveling. And to me that is beyond anything I could ever put into words.
Not once have I felt dissatisfied in my relationship, however, more times than I would like, I have felt a sense of despair about the rest of whats going on around me. Because while a relationship can continue to make a big portion of your life full, I have to remember, YOU have to remember, ultimately you are in control of making your life completely fulfilled. I have swayed away from doing what makes me completely fulfilled. I don’t practice yoga regularly, I don’t feel inspired to go sit in coffee shops and spill my heart and day dream about my next adventure regularly like I did in Lancaster. I don’t wake up enthusiastic to go to work. I don’t feel connected to God. I have gotten lazy, straight up.
I think a big component of what this relationship has taught me thus far is: it does not matter how fulfilling one piece of your life is, you have to stay rooted in all areas, because if you aren’t balancing (as a partnership yes, but in your self care especially), more times than not, you aren’t going to remain content and fulfilled as a whole. There’s going to be a gap that is in a constant need of being filled. For me, that is a constant desire to meditate and exercise, followed by a constant state of judgement on myself for not doing it. An endless cycle that is no longer serving a purpose.
my words to you are:
do not feel pressured, if you feel like you have it all, but you still feel defeated some days.
because i do have it all, and sometimes i still put myself in my bedroom for hours to just decompress from the feels of life being complicated and messy, and there should be no shame in that. no “why do you feel you have the right to sulk when you have what most would do anything for”.
because it’s just our souls reminding us to take a time out, to work a little harder, to appreciate this off balanced time, so when we become reconnected with our purpose again we appreciate it even more; because we were forced to grow into an even better more grounded being- learning the skills to balance another layer of life.
“Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, be more. Who we are and the way we do things is good enough for today. Who we were and the way we did things yesterday was good enough for that day. Ease up on ourselves. Let go. Stop trying so hard.”
i thought my purpose was to come to Ocean City and make a ton of money to pay off my debts, and to have an outstanding cushion of money to travel the world with.
to do yoga 6 days a week, and be stronger than i could ever imagine.
to keep praying for October to get here faster so i could move abroad.
And while those expectations for myself were really important because they got me back to Ocean City, I have to remember that just because my path changed here, doesn’t mean I failed or didn’t make the most of this period of my life. If anything, I’ve been given even more than I could have imagined. I formed this divine spiritual bond with my “Aunt Lizz”, who’s the sister I wasn’t able to have growing up and who has taught me more than I could ever thank enough for, I gained the most amazing roommate Janelle, who’s become such an amazing influence in my life, I made a family of friends down here, and I fell in love with a person that no matter what the future holds, will be my best friend for life.
Practicing gratitude and showing up when you’re sitting under a cloud isn’t easy, but we have to do it ok?
we can do this, never forget it.
i’m off to meditate now 🙂
“When people suggest being grateful, it’s easy to think that means counting our blessings and just saying thank you for what’s good. When we’re learning the language of letting go, however, we learn to say thanks for everything in our lives, whether we feel grateful or not. That’s how we turn things around.”
excerpt from Language of Letting Go.