It’s June 29th 2017, and I just had an euphony.
I know I know, it’s not actually June 29th, 2017 today, but just keep up with me here.
I just received a time hop, good ole social media, always giving me the beautiful and sometimes heartbreaking flash backs. I love them really; I adore the time travels. Every years it feels like a different person I’m looking at, each new year a person reborn. I’ll never understand when people don’t feel growth within themselves, when they don’t see their layers shedding, and their hearts growing. The people that feel life is stagnant. If you are someone that does, I encourage you to take a deep look inside.
Touch on one big experience/lesson you’ve lived through, and grew from. And then begin to look at all the little experiences you’ve lived through, and grew from.
The hard conversation you had with your best friend, that made you realize the importance in resolving issues. The day you lost your job, or you got that promotion, or when you took that job you never thought you’d work in. The time the person you really cared about stopped showing up for you, or you stopped showing up for a really amazing person.
Every step we take in life. Joining the gym. Running an extra mile, running your first mile. It all changes you, some experiences faster than other, some so slow you don’t realize it for a year or four.
But just keep taking small new steps.
It’s June 29th 2016. The man I love is heading to the Middle East, it starts his 8 week duty for the military. When I think back to that day, to those eight weeks that followed, the dark tunnel I felt like I was sprinting through, to only stop for deep gasps of breaths, an 8 week marathon, it feels like a life time ago. I was lost, aching, reckless. And it felt like it would never end, the deep pit in my gut, would never go away. And you know, I think it lasted so long because who was I? I was this lost girl, with no balance on life, no realization of what love meant, what being a good partner consisted of. No clue on what an unhealthy relationship meant to your life. To what holding on for the sake of holding on felt like.
It’s June 29th 2017 and this euphony goes a little something like this:
Life is sometimes hard.
Life is sometimes heavy.
Life is short.
Feelings are real.
But the only thing that is constant is change.
You will not be the same person you were a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, if you open yourself up, you dig through the muck, through your darkness, through your mistakes, and you allow yourself to grow.
my god, let yourself blossom, you deserve that.
June 29th 2016 I can remember only vaguely at this point, felt like it would never end. July 29th 2016 I remembering going to watch the sunrise because the anxiety in my stomach was too much to bear in bed any longer. August 29th 2016 I think I was hardly sleeping. In constant battle with myself, and with the one I loved.
Okay Kels, whats the point here?
The point is: Life was hard, but I didn’t have the skill set to see past that hardness.
Find your inner strength, find your higher being, find your bliss. And I could scream it from the roof time, FIND YOUR INTUITION and listen to it, please. Because life will be seamless at times, and you’ll forget why you need the above, but life will constantly give you periods of heartache, of internal obsession, of bad choices, of dealing with the consequences, but also of pure bliss, of pure joy.
I felt it again for a few weeks in June, but this time, I was equipped. That doesn’t mean some days weren’t hell. But it means that I dug through that muck, I showed up daily to be intentional on getting through it. When I became internally obsessive about the pit in my gut, I sat with it and asked it, what is going on and how can I work through this? I prayed for resolution, for guidance, and for strength to withstand until I received the answers. And you know, for the first time in life going through chaos, I flourished through the hardness.
But it took me so many smalls steps over the last year to get here. Don’t give up on yourself. And realize that, it might feel like the end, the job you love ending, the relationship you love ending, moving from the town you grew up in and loved, like your heart is literally breaking into a million pieces, or maybe just a few pieces.
But there is another side of it.
I am a firm believer, when that squeaky old door that is no longer serving you closes, it is leaving you with so much room to walk through a new door. Go find your door. Don’t stay trapped in the hallway.
Allow yourself time everyday to reflect on how much you’ve grown, and how beautiful your journey is. It is so crucial to your self love, and self belief. Which is everything really. If you don’t have that, you have nothing. Tough lovin’ you here.
You are not stagnant. You are ever growing. You may just need to open your heart, trust in yourself, and remind yourself you are only a human and you are doing the best you can right now.
I remind myself daily.